1st installment

s i l h o u e t t e nakedness

Back in 2003, I met this boy in one corner of the room; he seemed a little bit shy and reserved. I came near him and open a conversation; I found out that the boy and I had something in common. Days had passed we never realized that we will become very close to each other. We go home together everyday, we practice our lessons every other day until the boy and I had found the comfort in each other’s presence.

Months had passed and our closeness grew stronger and deeper, naturally it may seem, we became sweet to one another as many people, as in many people would notice that deep in our eyes we knew that we have something special for one another. Some people would unselfishly comment that we compliment each other and we are look a-likes. Some would brutally announce that I and that boy were officially on.

Funny it my sound, of course we will both smile and deny everything. Consciously it means nothing but subconsciously it has a big impact for the both of us. As a defense mechanism to other people’s accusations about our alleged secret relationship the boy invented the phrases: “wag mo kasing lagyan ng kulay”. As agreed upon it became his rule. As to lessen everyone’s attention on “us” being a couple, when we deny everything it sounded like a rehearsed line.

First, we will smile and then we say “di kaya!” that’s it, end of the accusations. Well people perceived what we were trying to convey. I can’t blame them because as far as they concern about the accusations here are just a few things when I was with that boy and that boy is with me:

1. We tease each other. I call it Harutan Galore at Kagaspangan Portion
2. We will stand by at the corridor to talk and let the time flies
3. We will eat together
4. We will practice together
5. We will go home together
6. We will walk together

We lay down on the wall and discussed each other’s dreams under the starry night We did all the crazy things together

- One day we went to our favorite hang-out, we crossed the high way together. That was soooooo damn adrenalin rush

- we walked together from our place to the mall instead of riding a jeepney

- we make fool of a gay sales person in divisoria because he liked the boy I am with Well no one is to blamed, that’s “us”. Those are the usual things that the boy and I were doing.

As to complicate things and make ourselves believe that those are just nothing. We were both committed, so it be easier for the both of us to deny our own actions. But the thing is, we were 24/7 together before.

Before, I wanted to believe that there’s nothing going on between me and that boy not until these happened:

1. It was one day that I asked him to accompany me in getting my grade card; he told me it was okay so we agreed. I was soooo shocked when his girl friend called and I over heard him saying alibi to his own girl friend. He lied to his gf about his whereabouts. How could he do that? He did that just for my sake? I could understand everything if he said that di pumayag gf niya
2. Friends usually have misunderstanding. It’s a common, a simple sorry would be enough. I was so freaked out when we fought. He looked for me in our tambayan while having merienda with the other guys; he knelt in front of me just to ask for an apology. What the hell is that??! Is it necessary? No!
3. We had another fight, I walked out. I angrily left him in our studio. When I was already in the jeepney stop I saw him running and catching his breath. He uttered the words “I’m sorry, hinabol pa kita para lang sabay tayong umuwi” Wow!! I was soo amazed
4. The confirmation of all denials. We went to a park with some other friends; some are telling stories while others are bonding, while the two of us had our own world. He would lie down on my lap and began to play with me. As a finale, the group went to Baywalk, he and I were so close, as in literally close. He would wrap my arms around him and his face is just an inch away from my face. That time I was off guarded. I can’t deny the fact, I liked every seconds of it

After everything I tried to convince myself that nothing is going on between him and me. So for me, the easiest way and the hardest way to convince myself was to follow his rule “wag mong lagyan ng kulay” Well it worked for me for quite sometime. We started calling each other terms of endearment. Jealousy from others started to surface but because we knew each other very well we end up always in “I’m sorry-make up situation”. We share a lot of things in common. He was my exact opposite and I was his exact resemblance

There’s this one time that I was confused and I hated that moment. We share memories for quite a time. Siya ang nagging mundo ko literal! All the boyfriend material memories were all about him. I was scared. The feeling grew deeper and stronger when I found out that his own gf got jealous of me. It was a big deal because my principle was how could your gf get jealous of me eh wala naman namamagitan sa amin. It only means that mas maraming oras ang nagugugol sa akin kaysa sa kanya. I hate it because that time wala akong laban.

That time I was conviced that maybe he had feelings for me buit because the situation is complicated he kept quiet I dare to ask him but I was caught off guard, there’s this one situation when he asked me through a text message:

“wala naman akong karapatang magalit sa’yo dib a?, ano mo ba ako?”

I was so stupid to answer him back:

“Uhm, meron kang karapatang magalit kasi magka-dance group tayo at friends tayo?”

You can’t blame me, I don’t want to lose him because that time I already put colors into our world. When I’m with him all I could see is his face and our world. I just protected ourselves that’s why I lied. You asked me stupid question so what do you expect?

As of this moment, I know, the story is familiar because that was our story back in years. I’m telling you this because I don’t want to have regrets of not telling you that I liked you nor I loved you before Nuong time na tinanong mo ko kung ano ba kita, I want to tell you that you’re my world, na sana akin ka na lang pero hindi ko ginawa yun dahil ayaw ko masira relationship mo sa gf mo dati, kay Rachel.

For the record, nilayuan kita, as in nagpakalayo-layo ako, nagpunta ako ng Baguio para makalimutan kita. Maybe you’ll ask, “why now? My answer would be because I was convinced that you loved me before pero gusto ko lang malaman mo na hindi ako manhid para maramdaman yun.

Well it’s all in the past now, gusto ko lang maging fair sa’yo. Gusto ko lang malaman mo na lahat ng mga efforts mo ay worth for all the memories. It was so amazing knowing a person like you. Thanks for reading our story, thanks for your time, it means a lot to me.

P.S. Don’t hate me please?